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My name is Iryna, two years ago I experienced sexual violence.  I feel your pain. He tells the whole world that you should learn to live happily ever after.

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  • Any violence occurs as a result of a conscious choice of the rapist. Responsibility for such acts, physical and sexual, lies solely with the perpetrator.  No actions, clothing, words, or state of alcohol or drugs are excuses for the rapist. In case  trying to shift the blame on you, know -  it is a manipulation for one's own justification. Violent acts of a sexual nature are NOT JUSTIFIED, and can be committed by strangers, relatives or even your partner. Your right to a secure existence is protected by law.  Any acts of violence are criminally liable. Acts of a sexual nature are punishable under Article 153 of the Criminal Code of Ukraine. The rapist can be sentenced to three years in prison for life, depending on the circumstances. Any coercion to have sexual intercourse is also considered violent and punishable by the Criminal Code of Ukraine!

How to help a woman after rape!

THE WOMAN IS A VICTIM, SHE IS NOT GUILTY.

   To help, the victim needs to be heard, understood and supported.

The main thing to remember is that at the subconscious level of the psyche, a woman is afraid of all people, especially men.

If you are with a woman immediately after the events:

First of all, you must make it clear that a woman is safe, and she can trust you, because she is completely safe, it can be done with the words: "Everything is fine now, you are completely safe, and no one will hurt you anymore"; you can wrap it in a blanket, and  also say, "Do not be afraid, you are completely safe."

   You need to take care of her physical condition. Be sure to contact  to the doctor to warn of development of a possible infection or pregnancy. If the woman does not mind, call the police and report the crime. It is important to understand that a woman who has experienced such actions is very emotional and  vulnerable, so do not panic, keep calm and cool.

    Only a woman knows what she needs at the moment, so you should ask her:  "How can I help you?"

   The victim may want to be hugged or left completely  and did not touch her,  in any case, warn her about your further actions: "Let's take you to the doctor,  after all, it's better to do it to your heart's content? "," Let me hug you, I want to support you, okay? "," Let's report to the police, I'll be with you, and together we will overcome this stage, if you want? ". Remember, if you want to punish a rapist, you should state the same day.

    React calmly to all "yes" or "no" women, always let her know that she has to make her own choice, but in most cases she will be confused. Before each of your next actions, let the victim know that he has the right to choose, and you respect that right. 

Ask, "What do I need to do now to help you?" Show that the woman with you is safe and will be taken care of  - This is the main thing. 

What to do next?

   Speak. Learning to speak openly about feelings, maybe a woman wants to speak out, or close completely. Help the woman to overcome this period and not fall into a prolonged depression. Ask her to see a psychologist or keep a diary to understand all her experiences. Offer to write everything she feels on paper, so she will release a lot of her negative emotions, and with her permission you can spread the story on social networks so that people understand the global nature of the problem. Encourage her to live a happy life, in the form of walks or entertainment, which are typical for you on normal weekends. Not  let her close, and then everything will be fine, and she will return to the happy rhythm of life, and how quickly she depends on the degree of openness with herself.

If it's hard for you to speak, I understand. Write. Write everything down to understand  you need to know what happened to you. No one will understand you unless they see the details with their own eyes.

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How to help yourself after rape!

To begin with I will say:  "I FEEL YOUR PAIN"

My name is Irina, two years ago I became a victim of sexual violence. From what happened to me  a long time passed, I overcame depression, fears, fought for the right to live with my own "I", which was broken in two. The worst thing in this war is not death, but violence against women, people and children, because then there are extremely great traumas, spiritual, physical and psychological. Women after rape are able to commit suicide on their own due to depression.  After a depressed state that  overcame myself, being only once with a psychotherapist, I restored my happy existence and gained harmony, so  I am writing to help you.

I understand you. I know how you feel. I know what you're afraid of. I -  it is you in the future - free, happy, strong, alive and independent. I believe in you! You are strong. 

Help yourself  and others!

To be silent or not is your choice, but remember that the person who could  to commit violence against you, has the opportunity  repeat actions on others, the next may be a child. You can always openly confess to the world about your experiences, so you will teach others to understand yourself, and show that women are hurt by what men do. 
Remember once and for all that  all the responsibility for the situation lies only with the rapist - you are not guilty. 
But you are responsible for your morale, your own health and a happy future. Take care of yourself. 

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Open  heart  sensations that cause pain.  Make yourself aware of what you need to help your body and soul.  Protect yourself from what can hurt you. Don't be silent and let people support you. Do not refuse the help of others, out of fear, because it is she who can save you in the most critical moments of sorrow. 

Contact a psychologist right away and find the triggers together in the form  thoughts and touches of men who bring you back to  a moment of violence to work them out psychologically. It's okay to be afraid, but you have to overcome fear. Don't blame yourself and stop hating what could provoke you  there is no rapist.  I don't know what they said and did to you, but you have to learn to love yourself, your body, your sensuality and vulnerability now. Cry, with tears you will let go of the pain. Don't be ashamed of your pain.

       I understand. It may seem to you that life will not be the same as before, but believe me  will be the best .

  • Try to find out what your fears are now: sex, men, etc. Your task: to find  everyone, these are the ones  triggers that poison your life. It is not so difficult to detect them. Ask yourself a specific question: "What am I afraid of in a sexual act right now?". Your task, after discovering all the triggers, is to think about how you can destroy them forever. For example: use a lubricant during penetration and talk to your husband about all the details of intimacy. Tell the psychologist what happened to you, and then start telling your loved ones, if  pain torments inside, you can just take a sheet of paper and write everything you want to say to loved ones, but can not do it. If you want to tell, but are afraid that people's reaction will hurt you, tell them before you tell everything properly.  respond. If you do  if you don't, they will react the way they think help and support. Most often  support is not what you need, so there are phrases:   "I want to tell you something, but please listen to the end"; "Do not react impulsively, your reaction can hurt me, and I will shut up from you"; "Please keep quiet until I tell you everything, and then hug me, I need to speak out"; "Please do exactly as I say, it's my choice, respect him, because you will hurt me with another reaction."  

   Do not slow down your life. On the contrary, set aside time for what you love and do what you want. It is best, in any case, to distract yourself with sports. Choose what you like and try to do it regularly. It  will distract you and allow you to stay in shape, as well as give positive emotions. For example: running, swimming, Pilates, yoga, dancing, everything you will enjoy.

  Understand your sexual physiology better - it will help  put dots in  head regarding emotional state,  physiology,  general perception of it by society, and to yourself, you will better understand what I mean if you really start studying this topic. You are a woman. You have nothing to be ashamed of. You are created perfect. To better understand your physiology, you can read Emily Nagoski's books "How Does a Woman Want?", Naomi Wolfe's "Vagina". To better release the feeling of pain: "Radical forgiveness"  Colin Tipping, “The Point of Pleasure. The Key to Female Orgasm ”Lori Mintz.  

  Don't forget about sex , it allows your feminine energy to express itself, and the hotter the sex, the more energy you have in the universe, the less fear you have that holds you back. It is up to you to decide: to allow yourself to feel free so that you are not afraid of your own desires and fantasies, especially their manifestations. Discuss with your husband everything you "want" or "don't want" in bed. Coordinate your husband so that he does not hurt you. ONLY YOU KNOW HOW TO TREAT YOU. Speak, and it will resolve many possible misunderstandings. Remember that you can always say, "No, stop, I don't want to anymore, don't hurt me, please."

   Appreciate yourself, do not allow yourself to be used and remember that no matter how many fears you have, when you boldly look them in the eye.

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How to treat a woman to a man who has been a victim of sexual violence?

We need your help.

  I want to emphasize that every woman who has experienced sexual violence is afraid of people, and  men in particular. If she survived the humiliation of the inhumans in the war, keep in mind the vulnerability at the highest level of perception.

 

   It is worth correcting and thinking even about your words or jokes that you say about a woman, because every word will draw conclusions about you, and slow down your relationship. If you have an important girl, be patient and show tenderness and care in communication and in bed.  During the relationship, do not show the girl your physical superiority  in a relationship with her, during a hug or in bed, if a woman who has survived violence can be understanding, then for a woman who survived the war with the inhumans, it will be a trigger for excitement (panic).  

   You can easily tell if a woman has been abused, for example, every time she is worried about you. Remember that many women have post-traumatic stress disorder for a long time and develop differently, for example, many women do not even go on a date in the first year after violence because they are afraid of men. Not worth it  depreciate  their condition, and to think that everything is easy to get over - NO. Rape is a process in which men use all the power they have to meet their needs and demonstrate dominance.  During an act of violence  they can beat a woman, twist her arms, hold her head in a pillow so that she does not scream, with the help of force to satisfy their desires in  oral, vaginal and anal sex.  All this time, the woman resists, then more force is used, and the woman receives injuries and damage to the body, which can have consequences for years. If we talk about vaginal and anal, then such injuries can not only infect, but also lead to death. And if you think that this article is not needed, and all this is fiction, then think about whether it would be nice for you to be forcibly tied up and raped, I think - no, and the same parallel on the part of women.

    If a woman is really important to you, then you will find an approach to such a woman, with the help of trust and tenderness forgetting about banal persuasions that should be avoided, because it will always hurt a woman even if she  is not recognized.

    Yes, many women are reluctant to admit it  such events, and many are even abused by their own husbands, who rape them under the guise of "marital duty." Whenever such a woman is a man (even an angel)  she will be in danger.

  There are triggers that can break your relationship. Triggers are actions taken by a rapist against a woman, or words spoken to her, in which case, if you inadvertently repeat them in bed, she can remember everything, then the woman who suffered the pain of violence is emotionally transferred in that case, closes, and you will need to touch her with tenderness, and thus gain trust - sexual trust, when a woman will truly trust you in bed and will not feel in danger. She should feel comfortable in bed and be relaxed, and this is possible only if she does not worry about your next action.

    A woman may treat you with great secrecy or distrust, and if you have a suspicion, you can directly and cautiously ask, "Have you been abused?" -  there are actually more such women than we can imagine, but many of them hide the truth and are ashamed to admit to the world what they have done to her.

    Don't hide your desire for sex from a woman, it's worth showing it if you say "IT'S NOT JUST FOR SEX!" the hypocrisy of these words will be seen immediately, but when you say "I will not hide that I want sex with you, but I want you to feel comfortable next to me, and understand that it will happen only when you want", so you give understand that you sincerely care about her feelings. Initiate a conversation about sex to discuss all the triggers, and all that is allowed and not allowed, maybe it will allow you to dominate, if you are gentle, do not do anything that will make her feel pain - physical or moral.  For example, you might say, “I feel like you're worried  and you are afraid of me, but I do not want to offend, tell me how to treat you in bed.  Discuss each step first, let it open up to you. When a girl trusts you, you can safely talk about all the actions in bed, if she trusts you, tell you what she is afraid of, and when you need to restrain yourself or be more gentle. Do not persuade her to do things she does not want to do the first time, but boldly declare your desires, and so you give her a choice, for example: "You do not mind if we try role-playing games, if you do not like it, I will not insist."  - in this way you do not offend her feelings.

    In most cases, women experience severe pain when penetrating the moment  rape, so severe that due to the post-traumatic syndrome, even the slightest physical or psychological penetration.  She will not tell you this, but ask her to use a lubricant during each sexual intercourse . Feel free to initiate a conversation first, as the girl will restrain her real needs for sex through  fear  condemnation of your feelings, your reaction, and your own memories that cause psychological pain.  

    Be gentle in bed, talk more during sex and report on your next steps: "Please come back, bend your back a little, etc." 

In general, if there are any misunderstandings, the first thing to do - talk and be honest.

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